oak trees and november sunshine

This entry finds me in Sacramento. Kevin's father dick passed away on the 29th, and we are all out here for the funeral. Kevin has been out here since last monday when the doctors disn't think he would make it through the day. He lasted the week on a morphine drip,but no feeding tube. Not the best way to go...hard on his immediate family standing vigil - they could have used a morphine drip by mid-week as well.

My mom had her 85th birthday in the middle of all this, and even Kevin was saying," I hope he doesn't pass on her actual b-day. She gets rather - I don't even know what the right word is here - about these kind of things. So my mind has been all caught up in dying,death and reactions. Years ago, ok decades really, my best friend mom died on my mom's birthday. Not just next-door-neighbors but inseperable buddies she and I. My dad brought home a brand new deep cooper colored Grand Prix for moms birthday. It was a very sweet gesture of course - just rather awkward timing. The Allens were flooded with family and friends coming to the house to see how the family was doing etc. Holly and I were in second grade. She finally escaped the sadness/tears/cheek-pinching and came up to myhouse. And there we were oohing and ahhing over moms new car. When they left us alone we got in the car and shut the door. I was trying to say how sorry I was about her mom, and of course at 8 years old doing a lousy job. She starting crying again and so did I...and then suddenly we were crying/laughing and completely unable to stop. I remember us saying how glad we were that the doors were closed and no one could hear us. It wasn't at all mean spirited - more like a release, and not knowing what else to do.

Reacting to death is complicated..its messy..it is so personal. One of my little goats was feeling bad that he didn't cry when we told him gramps had died. Oh yes, reacting to death is also a real guilt swirly. I tried to reassure him that everyone responds differently..and honestly ever death that occurs in one's life is a new experience. With Dick, most of us are just so glad that he is out of pain and his worn-out body.Dick was crazy about his first family and childhood in Pangiutch..and I like to picture his mom and siblings welcoming him home. It is hard to cry when he is in such a good place now.